Meet The Master of Mockery and Sarcasm

This next post may be a bit of a cheat. Rather than come up with my own material, I thought I would finally unveil a minefield of quotes I have been sitting on. After purchasing plane tickets to visit my family over the Christmas holidays, I sent my parents an email asking if I could borrow their car for a day to visit some friends who live about an hour from them. Keep in mind this is shortly after my Dad had broken both his legs falling off our roof (yes, there will be a post about this eventually) and wasn’t using his car anyway.

Below I have posted the email exchange, verbatim, in its entirety. Some people wonder where I get my dry wit and acerbic sense of humor. Continue reading, and you will see who the Master of Mockery and Sarcasm is: My very own Dad!

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My email to my parents:

Hi you two

I would like to spend one night in Ann Arbor when I am in town next month. This means several things: a) I would prefer to borrow a vehicle, although I can probably get someone to drive me :-) and b) I would like to know if you already have things planned?

Sylvia will be out of town after xmas, so my preference is to visit AA on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, stay the night and come back the following day. Right now it looks like Wednesday or Thursday might work best with her schedule.

And would love to drag mom to birch run, too, if possible. Maybe we could go before xmas for some last minute shopping, although I am fine with going after too, i need some new work clothes!

Also, what do you guys want for xmas? Grandma?

much love

rachel

My Dad’s response the next morning:

I can get you a corporate rate at Enterprise, and in fact I am so generous I will rent out Mom’s car for 25 % discount on the already low rate.

We know we are but a waypoint on your journey of self-idolatry narcissistic indulgent pleasures, and that any moment we get to have you somewhat exclusively is a moment to be treasured, to be sung in poetic ballads in the great halls of Valhalla.

Why should this visit be any different from any of the others? Why of course you can do as you like, I will even get the blankets and pillows ready for you to SLEEP IN THE CAR YOU UNGRATEFUL WHELP. (Oh, did I say that out loud??)

Make your arrangements, I’m sure we can survive.

Love you- Mom & Dad
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In case you can’t believe this to possibly be a normal exchange between parent and daughter, during the week I spent with them this past Christmas, I compiled a few of our more interesting tête-à-têtes.

My Parent’s recommendation on how to properly convey the importance of energy savings:
Mom: “There seems to be some child of ours who comes to visit and leaves all the lights on.”
Rachel: “There seems to be a mother who passively aggressively refers to her children as though they aren’t here.”
Mom: “Look you goddamn bitch, I am tired of you leaving all the fucking lights on, you cock sucker.”
Dad: “Besides that being a brief but adequate description of Rachel, I would prefer if you didn’t talk like that.”
Mom: “Shut up.”

Dad’s view on relationships:
“Next month your mother and I will have been married for 35 years. Now if either of us had killed each other, we only would have gotten 15 years.”

Mom’s response to having to driving Dad, who recently broke his legs:
“Hell no I’m not driving with your father in the car. Haven’t you ever driven with him before?!”

Dad’s opinion of others:
“Yeah, people are kinda overrated too.”

Dad’s thoughts on kids:
“Keep it up, you’ll be gone soon. We can always make another one, and this time your mother won’t be on drugs.”

Mom on the never ending chore of being a mother:
Mom: “Make sure you go pee before we leave.”
Me: “Ummm, I’m 26.”
Mom: “So?”

Mom on sharing:
“I like your bracelet; I think I’ll take it.”

Dad on tactfully informing someone of weight gain:
Rachel (to Mom who moved the cup rest): “Hey where is my cup rest?”
Dad: “On your belly which is getting rather large.”

Dad’s feelings on aging:
“My goal in life is to live so long, that somewhere in DC the minimum of a lieutenant commander is assigned to call me every morning to ask me if I am going to die that day so they can stop paying me my benefits.”

Dad on a woman’s place:
Dad: “Do you know why brides wear white?”
Me: “Um no, but I am sure it is going to be sarcastic”
Dad: “Because all kitchen appliances come in white.”

Grandma Jean in reference to her speech about feeling bad for not Christmas shopping, and me interrupting to tell her we don’t care:
“You shut up.”
Don’t worry, she also told my mom –her daughter- to shut up, too.

Mom on genetics; this is after Dad has spent the last ten minutes preparing his vehicle for a trip, eager to get us out of the house:
Me: “Oh, are we going somewhere?”
Mom: “You’re really a bitch sometimes.”
Me: “I wonder where I get it from?”
Mom: “Your dad.”

After a rough day of bickering:
Dad: “I can be a grumpy old bastard.”
Mom & Rachel in unison: “CAN be?”

And I end with telling you I love my parents more than anything in the world. They have raised me to be independent, tenacious, intellectual, perceptive, and, yes, even caring. For the readers who know me (yes all five of you), you can attest that, although I am sarcastic, caustic and blunt, I will move mountains just to bring sunshine into others’ lives. Exactly like my parents do for me every day. Add cheesy to that list of characteristics...